My Brother

I saw the message as my husband and I sat on a tour bus as we made our way around the Island of Oahu in Hawaii. It had been a very pleasant day seeing the beautiful sites as the ocean meets the cliffs

As a retrieved my phone to take more pictures I saw the notifications from two of my nieces, the messages were short and devastating. “Thought you should know my dad passed away this morning” I almost dropped my phone as I grabbed my husband’s arm. My only brother, 74, died quickly from a stroke, totally unexpected.

He and his immediate family have been estranged from my parents and our family for well over 20 years. And even with the tragic death of our 50 year old sister, 16 years ago, the estrangement continued, there was no healing, no reconciliation, no wanting to get past bitter resentment and move forward as a family. Just a pulling away, I think the term
I’ve heard is ambiguous grief, it’s when the person is still alive but is no longer in your life.

After my sister’s sudden death, the only hope my mom clung to was the anticipation her death would begin a process of reconciliation. And when that failed I believe that unimaginable grief and sadness help drive her to dementia.

Some data suggests that one in four adults is estranged from at least one family member. As I read more about family estrangement I began to feel that I am not alone.

My 98 year old father and I are struggling with this loss, how should we feel? We’ve talked some about the good memories we had as a family growing up, the five of us. It was for me, a very happy childhood with two young and energetic parents who taught us right and wrong, to respect others and to always value family. Our Sundays were usually spent with my mother’s large Italian family, lots of aunts and uncles and cousins. Lots of laughter and love.

My brother and I got along as most bothers and sisters, we both married on the young side, were in each other’s weddings and between our two families produced 6 babies in 7 years. Our gatherings with all the kids, 5 girls and one lone boy, were chaotic and loud, but there was a strong bond with all the cousins. Just like the bond my brother and I shared with our first cousins.

I don’t know when or where it all went south, where the seeds of estrangement were planted, but they were, and here we are now. A family, with his passing. that will forever be divided…and another statistic in the estranged family category.